Hi Dad,

It’s been a while since I’ve written to you but since it’s hajj time, you’ve been on my mind a lot more.

Hajj time always brings up memories of your planned trip. I’ll never forget how excited you were. As an adult – whose heart aches to be invited to the holy land – I now really get how disappointing it must have been for you and mom to have to cancel so close to your departure date. But then three weeks before you were meant to undertake your holy journey, Allah called you home. I constantly make dua that Allah accepts your intentions for hajj.

I have a gut-wrenching memory of the day you and mom were meant to leave. The friends that were part of your group came around to greet her (she was observing her iddah and couldn’t leave home to go to them) and her sobs as she greeted them were something I’d never heard before. I understand now that I’m older that it must have been grief over you but also the heartache of knowing she’d never experience that trip with her husband. For as long as I live, I’ll never forget the sounds from that day.

I still think about you and pray for you daily. I still remember everything you taught me. I still think about our all our conversations. I still remember the sound of your voice even though it’s been so many years. I cherish the memories of you reciting Qur’an as I’d walk through the door after school. I miss you leading salaah for us.

I wish you were around to watch me and help me navigate this crazy world; it gets rough sometimes but it’s also filled with so many wonderful moments. I hope you’d be proud of how I’m doing even though I falter and take missteps sometimes. But that’s what we’re meant to do, right? Make mistakes and learn from them. Then do better next time.

They say I look like you. But they’ve always said that, even when you were around. I never really saw it before but the other day I was going through old photographs and I see it now. The one thing I do hope to resemble is your beautiful characteristics – your generosity, kindness, care and so much more. I can only hope to be half as funny, but if I make one person laugh or smile I think of you and how you made everyone around you light up with joy.

People still speak incredibly highly of you. I know you had your struggles – what a life you lived – but you didn’t let it define you. You didn’t let it turn you into a bitter man. Instead, you let it be your light and you shone that light on others and to this day they carry that light with them.

You were only around for my first 14 years but your impact and presence will remain with me my whole life. Thank you for being the best dad a girl could ask for.

There’s so much more I want to say, but I’ll write again.

Lots of love,

Your Emmy